Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Under the Wire...36 weeks

I figured I better get this out there as I hit 37 weeks tomorrow!  But let's be real, it's all a guessing game anyways.

Check out those sleep deprived eyes...uffda!

Weeks along: 36.6

Sleep:  Bleh!  I truly dread night time.  I had a Dr.'s appt yesterday and I laid it all out on the table.  I have only been taking 1/4 of a Unisom because I don't want to become dependent and if I take more it makes me drowsy but she said to up the dose so last night I took a half, and slept pretty well.  Well, except for the 1:30 am wake up call of the cat chasing a mouse!  I however successfully caught mouse, relocated to the storage room, went back to pet a bewildered Faith as she had no clue where the mouse ended up, and fell right back to bed.

Miss anything: Alcoholic drinks and eating a full meal...there is just no room at the inn and everything leads to heartburn.

Cravings:  Sweets, peanut butter, apple juice, pickles

Best moment of the week: I would have said the Packer game Sunday had it just ended up better!  But we had a lot of fun with the fam at a local Packer bar so I'll keep it on the list.  And Chaz took some bump pics on Sunday so we will have nice pictures and not just my mirror work that you have all been enjoying:)

A little hike in the woods to get some fun shots!

Movement: Lots of movement and I would have totally guessed baby was breech but she is perfectly settled head down!  Huge win!  I seriously can't describe how good it felt to hear that.  And for some reason, the thought of a c-section never really bothered me.  In fact, I looked at it as keeping some things intact, (and I know it could still happen) but it was a total relief to hear head down.  So I guess the thought of a c-section must somewhere in the back of my mind make me nervous.

Up Next:  Pack Hospital bag and just relax...hopefully we can keep the house mildly clean because I just want to enjoy these last few weeks, catch some movies, maybe have a dinner or two out, and hang out with the hubs, family, and friends.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

35 weeks and some change

Hello from somewhere within the 35th week.  I am ready for a healthy happy baby!  And I am 100% ready to be done with pregnancy.  Last night my legs were twitching, my hips were on fire, and I cried for about 45 minutes somewhere between the hours of midnight and 2 am.  And the crying, no clue why!  But I just tried to relax, and let it come.

But it's weird...while I am ready to be done with pregnancy, and I am so ready to meet our baby, my anxiety the last few weeks has definitely intensified.  There have been moments where I find myself worrying about the shock of when she gets here, the potential for postpartum depression, how we'll handle those first days home.  And then I have to tell myself, why the hell waste time worrying.  If it happens, if I'm an emotional wreck, if I go through a period of shock like I did when I found out I was pregnant, I can deal with it then.  No need to give it any of my time in advance.

So for these last couple of weeks, I am trying to focus on relaxing.  On really spending a lot of quality time with my husband, friends, and family.  Baby clothes have been washed and put away, bags are getting packed, and the nursery is coming together.  It is fun playing with clothes and thinking of the little girl that will be wearing them before we know it!

And now, without further ado, bump pics at 35 weeks!

Weeks along: 35

I'm feeling:  I dove into this above but again, it's a mixed bag. I'm sore, emotional, and nervous, but I am also super excited and ready to meet our lady!  It's a really crazy thing to go through, to be so happy and excited but also so scared and nervous.  I will say, for the most part, I just try and go with the flow and it seems to work!

3 Pros of the week: Back on antibiotics to try and clear this sinus infection up, a few nights out with friends and an awesome Sunday at my parents house watching the Packer game!

3 Cons of the week:  My midnight meltdown, the freezing cold, and my hips!

Best moment of the week: Sunday at my parents house-such great time!

Movement: My belly is always moving.  We have moved away from little kicks and flutters to some hardcore fist pumping or something!  I think she is trying to escape.  And the pressure on my bladder is crazy!

Up Next:  We have a few classes coming up over the next two weeks and this Tuesday, as in two days, we have our 36 week appointment where they will do an ultrasound!  Looking forward to seeing our baby and maybe starting to discuss the labor process!

Thursday, January 1, 2015

34 Weeks!

We are one week closer to meeting our little lady!  The holidays are always crazy but there has also been some relaxation.  Mostly due to both Chaz and I having colds but either way, we've been trying to get some good rest.

The bump for sure continues to grow!  I have no clue where the space comes from but if my heart burn is any indication, I am guessing my stomach is being given very little room;)  It's only temporary though so who cares!

Weeks along: 34 (baby seems to be more on track now)

Total weight gain: still hovering somewhere between 16 & 20 (I didn't weigh myself before this party started but I have a general idea.)

I'm feeling: The last couple of days there have been a few moments where I feel scared all of a sudden.  I don't know if it is scared to give birth or scared for the craziness of life after birth but before this week, I had just been very go with the flow.  Looking to play some mind games and get back to the go with the flow mood.  Mikey, my super smart brother said, you know you have a challenge to face.  Face it with positivity and it will go much better then if you face it scared or with a negative attitude.  Sounds like a plan to me!

3 Pros of the week: Having New Years Day off and sleeping in, getting together with some great girlfriends, making lefse all by myself! (I wanted to make sure I could carry on the tradition)

3 Cons of the week:  Heart-burn, swollen feet, cold winter weather.

Best moment of the week: News Years Eve with the husband and family!

To Do list: Look up hospital classes, take some maternity pics, finish closet in nursery

Saturday, December 27, 2014

33.3 weeks

I could potentially be added to the bad mom list already.  When I found out I was pregnant, I spent about a week in shock.  Then I quickly fell into about 6 weeks of morning sickness.  I didn't have the energy to take bump pics, get excited, or really relish in what was going on.  In fact, I felt fairly lost.

By the second trimester, I was starting to feel better, and my energy was back.  It felt great to be "normal".  Every couple weeks I started taking bump pics, I ensured my vitamin intake was spot on, and I really focused on being healthy.  Finding items for the nursery got me excited.  By the time I hit about 20 weeks, I started feeling little flutters, which was weird and cool all at the same time.

20 weeks almost to the day, we celebrated my husband's 30th birthday, our 5 year wedding anniversary, and we found out the gender.

It's a Girl!!!!!!!
And from there on out, it has just continued to feel more real as the days go on!

So I feel like a bad mom, because I just didn't have the energy to do all the tracking and posting and weekly bump pics and what have you.  But I know that I have waited over 12 years to see what Chaz and I would create together and I am so excited to welcome our little girl here shortly!  And I am also a realist.  Which maybe that hindered me during the first few months of pregnancy.  I know this is going to be hard.  And I know this will be life already has been.  But from what I read, it is all worth it, and every day, as I become more and more attached to this little girl inside me, I can't imagine doubting it.

So late, yes, but still worth while; I hope to document these last few weeks.

Weeks along: 33 (baby measuring about 1.5weeks ahead)

Total weight gain: around 16 pounds

Maternity Clothes: Leggings, leggings, and more leggings!

Miss anything: Sleep, being able to eat a big meal, and wine...or Bailey's...or get the picture!

I'm feeling: Excited!  And nervous!  It's a mixed bag.  But really looking forward to being done with pregnancy and physically holding our baby!  I just want her here, healthy, safe, and happy!

Sleep: Ha!  I have the best husband in the world.  Tonight I just about started to cry, telling him how much I hate the evening and thinking about trying to go to sleep.  Between bathroom breaks, leg cramps, rolling onto my back and snoring like a bear, I hate going to bed.  But he just rubs my leg, kisses my forehead, and tells me it will all be ok.  He is such a comfort-but man I hope sleep comes easily again once this little lady is born.

3 Pros of the week: Christmas eve service, being gifted cute as heck baby items, movie and dinner date with my man!

3 Cons of the week:  A nasty cold, restless legs, heartburn

Best moment of the week: Seeing my husband get excited when he can see the baby moving!

Movement: Little lady likes to kick, and kick a lot!  But I wouldn't trade all the movement for anything.  I know she is in there, cooking away, and the movement let's me know she is ok.  She does however calm right down when daddy places his hand on my belly!

Food cravings: Nothing really...sweets, but that's not new for me.

To Do list: Look up hospital classes, take some maternity pics, finish closet in nursery

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Thankful Thursday...

Crystal Michelles Mess

Fall is coming to the Minnesota.  We have had a few cool days, one down right cold, mixed with some warm/humid/rainy/awkward days.  Today was humid, and in the 80's.  But tomorrow morning we wake up to temperatures in the 60's.

I LOVE fall days filled with brisk weather and changing leaves.  BUT, I am not a fan of snow and ridiculous I am just going to enjoy my fall days and hope they last!  I would love a long fall!  I would be Thankful for that!

But to get to the point of this post!  I wanted to comeback with some things I am thankful for today!

1. Always, always, always, I am thankful for my amazing husband.  I just don't think they come any better!  Such a supportive and loving man.  We seek adventure and always encourage each other's dreams all while loving unconditionally and respecting whole heartedly.  I was blessed with one hell of a life partner!

2. My insanely supportive family.  I can turn to so many people and feel the comfort of home...that is an awesome feeling!

3. PSL

4. Relaxing nights hanging out with good friends.

So happy it's Friday tomorrow!  Looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday!

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Runners Unite...

Tonight I laced up my shoes and headed out for a run.  I ran 3.5 miles this weekend, and I was itching to get out for another run.  That, and after yesterday's events at the Boston Marathon, I thought I would run because there are those who can't.  And while what happened yesterday makes me sick and sad, it is quickly replaced in my mind by all the good in this world.  Sure there are some bad apples, but generally, people fight for what's right.  We stand united, working to help the less fortunate, raising money to cure disease and fight famine, treating others how we want to be treated.  There are so many acts of kindness daily, that it would be a shame to let an event like this over shadow all the good.  We need to fight back and not let evil win.  We can't give evil the satisfaction of our defeat.

As I watch footage, I don't focus on the explosion.  I focus on the medical staff and volunteers who rushed to break down the barricade and help the wounded instead of fleeing in the opposite direction; let's focus on them!  They are what makes this world a better place.  And that makes my heart happy in this time of sadness.

Friday, April 12, 2013


This has turned into a longer story then I thought!  Check here for Part One.

It was a beautiful, warm sunny day in August.  I was headed back to college to start my junior year as a resident assistant.  I was excited and nervous, but nothing out of the ordinary.  It was always a bit hard leaving my family and boyfriend, but I was excited to get back to my routine and hit the books (no joke, I fricken loved hitting the books).  I drove myself as this was my third year heading up and I was more mature – I didn’t need the usual parental unit drop off.  That and they would be up that weekend to drop my sister off so there was ample time to let them pamper me with a trip to buy dorm room necessities and enjoy a few meals out to push off eating in dinning services one more day. 

I stopped of at my boyfriend’s house on the way up.  Since it was mid-morning, he made us strawberries and cream oatmeal and we talked about when we would see each other next.  At this point, that was our routine.  We were used to it, and used to saying good-bye.  We had been doing it for 4 years at this point and it worked.  Both of us enjoyed our freedom.  It made the time we spent together more meaningful and fun, and it allowed us to form friendships and have time for family and friends. 

We talked for a while before I decided I should hit the road.  I wanted to get up to school and get everything unloaded from my car before night fall.  The car trip up was usual.  It was boring and long, but I listened to music, stopped half way for fuel and a soda, and continued on my way.  I got to school mid afternoon, checked in, and started unloading.  The school was eerily  empty.  Sounds pretty normal for almost two weeks prior to the first day of class.  At this point, the hall I was moving into was only occupied by the Resident Director and the Director’s assistant.  I’m not even sure any of the other RA’s had moved in yet. 

I hauled my bins of belongings up 3 flights of stairs to my little room on the top floor of an old brick dorm hall.  My room was at the end of the hallway tucked in the far corner of the floor.  The room itself was a decent size for one person.  One wall boosted built in shelves and closets, and the adjacent wall had angled ceilings, reminiscent of the top floor of an old castle (the building has a similar look to it) with a large window over looking the courtyard.

As I continued to unload my truck, I saw the Director’s Assistant once.  She was insanely sweet and offered to help.  I didn’t want to burden her so I politely declined and continued on my way. As I continued to go up and down, and up and down, my mood continued to turn sour.  At first I was lonely, then sad, then tired, then everything combined.  I finally got everything unloaded with the exception of a metal swing I was going to fashion into a couch.  That had to wait until my friend popped over later. 

I went to my room and started unpacking.  There was still plenty of daylight at this point, so I decided to try and get as much unpacked as I could.  My overly organized self could not handle living out of boxes and I would work into the wee hours of the night just to get everything in its correct place.  As I was unpacking, I was suddinly hit by a huge wave of grieve and sadness.  I started bawling in my dorm room.  I was in complete shock.  I felt outside of my body, unaware of what it was doing, and how quickly it approached.  I calmed myself down, but I couldn’t shake the heavy weight of sadness that engulfed me. 

One of my best friends stopped over to say hi and welcome me back up.  She had graduated the year prior and had stayed in town and found a job.  I put on a happy face, she helped me unload the porch swing from my car, and we headed to grab soup and sandwhiches from a deli across the street.  We headed back to my dorm to eat.  I took a bite, and quickly realized I was not going to be able to swallow.  My throat closed off, and my eyes welled up.  Not able to really explain myself, I told my friend that I was having a bad day.  We talked for a bit, I again settled my tears, and she asked if I wanted to stay at her apartment.  That was the first net thrown out to me.  I jumped on the offer and got the hell out of my dorm. 

That night was one of the worst nights I experienced.  I was sad, lost, and scared.  When everyone went to bed, I laid in the dark, feeling completely and utterly alone, feeling out of body and completely absent.  

I finally fell asleep, my eyes swollen from crying.  I awoke to my alarm at 6.  I needed to get back to campus to start RA training.   Not only did that suck, but worse then that was that I woke up with a sinking feeling in my stomach, a pit that lasted the whole month-though I didn’t know it then.

Over the next week, my brain wandered.  I lost my appetite and was only able to force down food later in the evening.  I went all day not eating, simply because I could not swallow.  Simple tasks become ridiculously complicated.  And the mornings were also the worst.  I continued to wake up daily with that pit in my stomach.  This would last through the afternoon, along with the sadness and loneliness.  As evening came, I would start feeling better.  This is when I was able to eat, be active, what have you.

Any time my parents or boyfriend called I broke down.  I just felt so disconnected, so out of place.  I can only imagine how helpless they felt, in addition to feeling lost themselves. I was throwing some heavy shit their way because I didn’t know what else to do.  And even though I feel bad for what they endured, they were my saving grace. 

It took a little over a month to realize that what was going on was not going to pass.  I cried multiple times a day.  I pushed away friends and most family.  I resigned from my RA position.  I couldn’t be fair to the role, and there were plenty of students who wanted that job so I gladly passed it off.  That and I thought maybe if I had less on my plate, I would start feeling better.  It helped.  It helped to get out of that dorm room that held not one good memory.  But it definitely did not fix it.

One of the first weekends in October, I went home to visit my family.  I spent the weekend curled up in my parent’s bed, or on the floor of my mom’s office while she worked. I slept and slept and slept.  It was the only time I felt comfortable truly letting go and relaxing.  By Sunday, my parents recognized the severity of my symptoms, and also the fact that this wasn’t going away easily.  They suggested seeing a doctor. 

The three of us headed to a family doctor Sunday evening.  By the grace of God, he took a Sunday evening house call.  In his office, I explained my symptoms and feelings.  He suggested medicine, for both depression and anxiety.  I cried.  It was the last thing I wanted, to be dependent on medication.  After talking through the medicines abilities, and my doctor assuring me that it was not habit forming, I reluctantly decided to give it a chance.  The medicine would take about six weeks to get into my system and start working, and I said I would see if it helped, but I promised nothing. 

I went back up to school and quickly decided I was no longer happy where I was.  I needed a change.  As each week passed, I noticed I was able to get through my day with less and less issues.  And as seems to be the case, after about 6 months, I started to feel normal. 

To wrap this up, as it is getting to long, I will run through the next two years. I transferred to a new college 4 months after going through this ordeal.  That Christmas break was amazing.  I felt like myself.  When I started school at Augsburg, the change took me back a few steps, but I started seeing a therapist at the school, and I was able to quickly rebound.  And I had some amazing friends!

The following summer I tried to slowly decrease the amount of medication I took, until one day I stopped all together.  Almost 6 weeks to the day (there are some articles that say it takes 6 weeks for anti-depressants to be working at full capacity in the body, and six weeks until they are flushed out of the body) I woke up, and started to instantly cry, all day.  It was the Fourth of July…the worst Fourth of July.  When my parents came home, we had a long talk.  They really drove home the fact that this is a chemical imbalance, and sometimes we need to do what is best to feel better.  I went back on them, and found my normal.

Today I am on 1/2 of what I was back then, and even then I was on a low dose.  In my 27 years, I am in the best place I have ever been.  I am generally happy, everyday.  I work out. I am active.  I am happy with where I live, although I am eager to buy a house!  But I can wait.  I have learned to be patient, to take my time.  To not rush before I am ready, and to leverage those around me.  I still have moments of doubt.  I still have trust issues.  But I am strong in my feelings, and I am more vocal.  I have become less of a yes person, and I look inwards for the true answer.  I’m not confident in everything I do.  I’m still indecisive, and sometimes I have a hard time making decisions, but I have gotten better at listening to my gut, and talking through my feelings.  Someday I will probably work my way off of them again, just to see.  But I am not ashamed.  It has made me who I am.  I am strong, I am confident, at least in most areas of my life.  I take pride in my work, I speak up, and I have changed the way people in my past see me; I have changed their perceptions.  Because I am different.  Quite different.  And quite happy!  Yes I need to lose weight.  Yes I could be more organized.  Yes I could keep a cleaner house, blah blah blah blah.  I don’t care, and that’s because I am happy, 98% of the time.  I have ups, and I have downs, but I feel normal…at least normal for me!